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She Bop’s Fabulous Full-Body Fellatio Workshop

24 Jun

No matter how good you are at going down and giving head, there’s always something new to learn.  BJs are admittedly one of my favorite sex acts and I’ve been earning my oral rep for the last six years.  Nevertheless, I can safely say that She Bop’s workshop, led by the spunky M. Makael Newby, was an amazing learning experience.  I don’t think a single person walked out of there without learning a thing or two about the art of the friendly trouser kiss.

I don’t want to spoil the workshop for those of you who couldn’t make it, so I won’t give you a blow by blow of what went down.  The candid unexpectedness of the whole event made the low-key vibe function;  there just wasn’t time to get uncomfortable or worry about what the girl or guy next to you was thinking.  Yes, there were fingers in mouths and even a few dildos (which  may or may not have been attached to a strap-on harness).  It was a damn fine time.

Whether you’re renowned for your face-numbing suction skills or you’ve only touched your partner’s dangley bits in the dark, you won’t be bored or left behind by this workshop.  I strongly encourage everyone to check out M. Makael Newby’s website and attend at least one of her workshops because she’s a blast.  And on top of it all, she wrote a choose your own adventure book of erotica.  Seriously, my hero.

Packing, etc.

16 Jun

So the much anticipated move to Hawaii is finally happening.  Packing is hard but saying good-bye is even harder.  I keep telling my friends that I plan to psyche them out and disappear without having to say any real farewells.  They haven’t taken kindly to that idea.

Really though, I don’t feel like I’m saying good-bye to Portland, my best friends, or my lover.  It’s more like, “see you next week! I’m off to do some soul searching.”  I guess I’m the only one who sees it that way.

I want to tell everyone that I’m going to Hawaii to become a writer.  That I’m going to Hawaii for love.  That I’m going because I have to.  I really don’t have a plan, but it feels like the beginning of a fantastic adventure.  There are always tears at the beginning of those.

In the end, the point of this post is to inform my readers that I will be very busy over the next two weeks and therefore somewhat less likely to post.  It’s a bit of a roller coaster for everyone involved, but I promise that I’m not saying good-bye!  I’ll be back to my lascivious postings in two shakes.  In the mean time, inspirational erotica is much appreciated at pineapplesexbomb@gmail.com.

Hands Across Hawthorne

30 May

I went.  It rained.  And it was glorious.

We spanned the entire bridge, two people deep at points.  Cars honked and cheered us.  It felt great to be a part of this display of support for the queer culture in Portland. It’s so unfortunate that people still need to fear retribution for displaying affection, especially in the friendly city of Portland.

Among those in attendance were Byron Beck, Sam Adams, and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.  I fell in with a group of activists who made me feel welcome and seemed to know everyone (though I will never get used to fellow queers making off color comments about the LGBT community.  It’s a turn off, even if you’re trying to be humorously self-deprecating).

Portland, you continue to be pretty damn awesome.

Loving The D Today

18 May

And by loving it, I mean I just ordered my copy of Candy Rain Magazine, a sexy, pornographic publication that highlights the all-mouthwatering boner.  Since I missed out on the first issue I couldn’t tell you exactly what goes on between those glossy covers, but my mouth is watering just writing about it.  In honor of this tasty purchase, here are a few ways to appreciate the D in your life (and if you’re one of the many who just don’t have the need for any penis in your life, skip this post altogether or just read #5):

1. If you’re one of those aforementioned people who would in fact like to poke a penis in their mouth (and you live in PDX) sign up for SheBop’s fellatio workshop in June!  According to their event description, the workshop is also open to people who like to stick their penises in other people’s mouths, which sounds pretty righteous.  Giving head to a dude who doesn’t know what he wants can definitely be fun at first (because you can shock the pants off of him with your mad skills) but gets old when you want to branch out and he’s never heard of the thing you’re trying to put your tongue on.  I am SUPER EXCITED to attend.

2.  Buy a Tenga Egg for a man friend.  They’re essentially little disposable, ribbed, tubesocks that are lubed for masturbation purposes.  I’m still trying to coax one of the men in my life to give it a shot.  If you’re feeling slightly more adventurous (and generous), these look pretty sweet too.

3. LUBE.  That is all.  (He will know what to do with it.)

4. If the D in your life is a D that likes some tattooed lady bits to get off to, buy him a month of Suicide Girls.  What a nice way to unwind.

5.  Last, and pretty much most important of all, do you know what misandry means?  I just learned this word today on the blog Feminisnt and it means “hatred of males”, which is something I come across rarely but surely.  Don’t be hatin’.  Whether you want to poke a penis in your mouth or not, having one doesn’t mean you’re a hateworthy person.  Misandry is definitely as sucky as misogyny so don’t do it.

On that note, have a rockin’ day and take some time to appreciate the sexy bits of life!

Luna Balls And Lady Bits

12 May

Walking into Portland’s SheBop the Shop last week was like a dream come true (minus a naked Colin Firth, naturally).   I rarely make it out to North Portland but this trip was definitely worth it.  Wall to wall vibrators, dildos, books, strap-on harnesses, anal plugs, lube and a smiling sales clerk greet you when you slip through the door on N. Beech St.  And the best part of all?  Not only can touch and play with just about everything, you’re encouraged to.

SheBop is one of the first truly sex-positive, lady-friendly, and accessible sex toy stores I’ve visited, so pardon me if I’m raving about some practices that are par for the course.  After perusing the Fun Factory table and ogling the absolutely epic wall of strap-on harnesses, I tentatively picked up a vibrator.  As soon as I started playing with the buttons, the sweetly quiet saleslady was beside me, happily displaying the various settings.  Far from overbearing, this SheBop girl kept the perfect distance and let me explore to my heart’s content.

Going to a sex boutique with a budget is an absolute must for me.  But let me tell you, I had a very hard time sticking to my guns and not buying everything in the store.  What I ended up taking home with me was the Luna Bead set by Lelo, a kegel excerise aid and pleasure kit.  These adorable little balls are meant to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and provide a titillating sensation.  This system, not unique to the Luna Beads, consists of a set of hollow balls with varying weighted balls inside them.  You can insert a combination of weights and work up to the heaviest combination when your muscles strengthen, all while enjoying a gentle, almost vibrating sensation.  For more on the benefits of kegel excercises, you should DEFINITELY read this post (because it keeps with my Shebop theme and it’s very well written).

All in all, I had a great experience with SheBop and will definitely be shopping with them again.  (In the meantime, I’ll be saving my money by reading their adorable and informative blog).

The Luna Beads are great!  I wear them while I do laundry, grocery shop, run errands and work out (it’s just too much fun to be doing healthy, sexy exercises in the privacy of your pants).  I really want to grab one of these sweet beads from Fun Factory to keep in my purse.  If you’re not sold on either of those, my best friend bought this set and absolutely loves it.  Or you can keep doing kegels the good old fashioned way because they’re great for you (and great fun)!

My Strip Club Cherry

16 Apr

Dolled up in fishnets and six-inch heels, I tottered into my first strip club last night.  The Lucky Devil Lounge hosts an annual Portland Pin-Up contest and I wasn’t about to miss it.  How could I say no to cute Portland girls in their lingerie?

The Lucky Devil was packed to the gills with bearded hipsters, corseted dames, and a motley crew of Portlanders just looking to have a good time.  As a small venue with only a handful of tables and an undersized bar, this club just wasn’t built to handle the sheer volume of people who turned up for the show.  Nevertheless, my two best friends and I eventually managed to find a decent vantage point.

As a strip club virgin, I didn’t know what I was about to witness, but after rubbing shoulders with a couple deliciously scandalous damsels at the bar, I was ready for anything.

Even though it turns out that the dancers were keeping things on the innocent side for the competition, (or as close to innocent as one can get when flashing a crowd), I found the performers to be quirky, eccentric, and sexy as hell.  With the exception of the girls who decided to mimic getting lewd with each other on the stage (if they hadn’t been so skanky I would have been drooling) the entire club exuded personalty and confidence.  Anyone who condemns stripping as a whole has clearly never been to a good strip club.  The women getting naked were in the ones in charge.

But let’s not forget that this was a competition.  The judges certainly didn’t, as they feasted like a group of Roman elites and slapped people’s legs in order to get a better view of the stage.  One would think that a group of judges who took their seriously enough to act like a group of royalty would have wanted to make more of an effort at being near the stage.  But what do I know?

My night came to a halt when one of the dancers barreled her way through the crowd with a saddle, knocking people to the ground in her eagerness to reach the stage.  At that point, I had been jostled enough and decided that it was time to leave the crowded bar and head home.  With a bit of a buzz and some interesting new experiences under my belt, I had some fodder for thought.

I just can’t stop thinking about the exotic comfort I felt through my entire night at the contest.  It felt natural to be in a room with naked women and their lavishing admirers. The crowd was hands-on in the politest way and I caught more than one patron comparing panties with some eager strippers.  I’ve always been intrigued by stripper memoirs and the act of stripping itself, but I don’t think I can go back to passively enjoying the culture after my experiences last night.  Even though I haven’t fit into a pants size in the single digits since middle school (blame the booty) and my breasts are slightly different sizes, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be turned down for my looks.  The truth is, the crowd seemed to get the most pleasure not from the women with the tiniest waists and protruding rib cages, but the women who enjoyed their bodies the most.  The heaviest stripper probably raked in the most tips because she owned her round butt and tiny breasts.  That said, somebody get me some heels and point me in the direction of a pole!

Moving to Honolulu

14 Apr

Portland is rainy today.  I’ve been assured that Honolulu is just as wet as the Oregon city I’ve come to love and call home and maybe that will make the transition easier for me.  Or maybe it will just make me homesick.  There’s no way of knowing just yet.

So, why am I leaving?  Because I fell in love with a boy I’ve known all through college.  A boy that tried to get me out of my reclusivity as college freshman and failed miserably.  A boy who has always remained my friend even when I don’t deserve it.  He’s been in the military for the last few years as a computer guy (I’m not allowed to know exactly what he does).  We re-met and fell in love right before he was stationed in Hawaii back in September.

After seven months of long-distance loving, we’ve decided to take our relationship to the next level.  Since I’m not currently in school and I’ll be leaving my job as a full time barista at the end of spring anyway, it’s a reasonable step to make.  Did I mention that we’re in love?

I’m happy and terrified in the same breath and I think I finally realize what it’s like to have cold feet. Stubborn as ever, I’ve decided that I’ll take the plunge regardless of these last-minute panic attacks.  As my boss put it when I broke the news, “You will regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t go.”  I’m sure that he’s right.

Honolulu, here I come!  Watch out art stores, sex shops, cafes, and hipsters.  The next two years are for you (then Portland has to take me back).  I’m hoping for feminist sex shops, lesbian bars, burlesque shows, and bondage.  If anyone reading this can hook me up with an alternative news source or some sexy sex blogs that come from the islands, I’d be eternally grateful.

This move is, and always will be, about a boy.  If things don’t work out, then they don’t work out and I come back home.  But either way I’ve got to have something to keep me busy while I’m out there.  After reading  Shameless I’ve been inspired to go to workshops and work on my contributions to the field of sex positives.  I’m sure that if Oahu doesn’t already have a bumpin’ sex culture, it’s going to have one before I leave.