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Sexy Bunnies

10 Jul

Miss February

There’s nothing quite like Powell’s (the epic city block of new & used books in Portland) but with all the rain and potential beach-time in Hawaii, I’ve had to quest for island bookstores for some cheap, ratty paperbacks to brave the elements.  Of the places the boyfriend and I have visited so far, Rainbow Books & Records is the only one that has something Powell’s lacks: le porn.

Tucked away in the back of Rainbow (not a gay bookstore, alas) is a fairly sizable wall of porn stocked with used magazines, VHS tapes, and DVDs.  The VHS tapes were a tad dusty but the DVD section was pretty well stocked with your typical cheesy porno selection.  But the magazines…were fabulous. Most of them were totally old-school and damn cute. If it weren’t mildly creepy buying the equivalent to a used, glossy tubesock, I would have walked out with an armload.

I’ve never been one for getting my porn in hard copy, but last week while zoning out to a few of my friends killing zombies on their xbox, I grabbed a Playboy mag from their coffee table and started flipping through (if I’m gonna be bored, I might as well be bored and horny).  If you’ve never tried to read a Playboy I’ll save you the disappointment right now: there are maybe ten pages of porn.  Maybe.  The rest is skeezy ads and side-(fake)boob.  But! There was a saving grace: the old-school playboy bunnies in the middle.

Furry, curvy, and real, the bunnies from the fifties and sixties were adorable.  Their backdrops and settings were less trucks and American flags and more libraries and living rooms and their makeup was meant to look theatrically sultry, not streetwalker slutty.  What’s funny to me is that I don’t feel like “natural” women were more mainstream then than they are now.  Isn’t it funny to think that though we’ve made huge steps towards gender equality, the women appearing in porn now are more unrealistic than the one’s we see back in the 50s?  Not that I’d say these ladies are at all average, and they’re fake in their own ways, but their bodies seem a whole lot more attainable to lil’ ol’ me.

Anywho, off the soapbox and onto le sexy bits.  If you’d like to gander at some sexy ladies, I regret to inform you that I couldn’t find the segment in Playboy online that I looked at last week, but I did come across this album, which is perhaps a tad hotter.  Enjoy!


Manly Sex Party? Mine’s Bigger.

21 Jun

While trying desperately to catch up on my twitter, I came across an article about Fleshlights.  I’ll read just about anything about sex toys, so of course I devoured it, but this part caught my eye:

“An all-heterosexual male gathering around sex toys?” Shubin considers. “Probably not ever going to happen.”

Aw, but why not?  I don’t have much insight into the male psyche, regardless of sexual orientation, but the first explanation that comes to mind is competition.  As a proponent of discussions about sex for the sake of sexy discussions, I’ve seen competition play a huge part in conversations about sex.  There are always going to be people who want to one-up every sex act their friends try out.

Really, I just want everyone to be having good sex.  Great sex.  A-mazing, wake-your-neighbors, break-the-furniture, scare-the-pets, mind-blowing sex.  If I think I’ve got something that will spice up your sex life, I’m gonna share it with you, but it’s not because I’m trying to hint that you’re having crummy sex to begin with.  Sex can always be better!

I used to know a girl who would always tell me that sex with her partner was the best there could ever possibly be for anyone.  Cool beans for her, but it stopped her from pushing herself sexually.  Any new technique I mentioned was met with a smug grin and her mantra: “I’m already having great sex”.

Maybe I’m missing the point. I mean, god forbid that anyone suspect you of being homosexual because you wank into a tube shaped like a vagina.  Everyone knows that women who get together and buy dildos are lesbians (insert massive eye roll here).  Though I suppose I can’t imagine any of my male friends getting together and having a sex toy party, it certainly would be interesting.

Anyway, if you’re not ready to invite your man-friends over for a sexy toy party, you might log on to one of the many forums for masturbation discussions (you can do it under a pseudonym!). Fleshlight even has one of their own (this thread kind of relates to this post, actually). Don’t feel left out, ladies.  There’s one for you too…oh wait, there are no posts on that forum.  Well, what did you expect from a website selling masturbation toys for men?

Everyone Knows What You Do With That Hitachi

11 Jun

Good Vibes Personal Massager Model VB-8

Aside from excessive amounts of lounging and reading, there’s nothing better than a little antique shopping when you’re on vacation.   And what better for a sex blogger to buy at an antique sale than a vibrator?  Oh, excuse me, did I say vibrator?  I meant personal massager, of course.

Okay, this vibrator is actually for my shoulders (only because I got it used and I don’t trust the electronics of it near my nether parts) but if you’ve been keeping up with She Bop’s blog, you’ll see that even the coveted Hitachi Magic Wand was once marketed as a personal massage device before it exploded in the porn industry. Actually, electric vibrators are still marketed as massage devices for the most part, but we’ll come to that in a bit.

Since we live in the modern day with artsy new toys and you probably wouldn’t go back to the fifties for the vibrators even if you had a choice, I found a few places where you can gander at some scary contraptions for your naughty bits.  Mike’s Antique Vibrator and Quack Medicine Museum consists of photos and descriptions of vibrators from one man’s collection.  He has some seriously funky stuff on there and it’s definitely worth a bit of browsing.

Then there’s the slightly more famous Good Vibrations Vibrator Museum.  Joani Blank, the founder of San Francisco’s revolutionary sex shop, started the collection of antique vibes which is now carried on by the company and displayed in their stores.  On the Good Vibrations website you can read about how “hysteria” in women was treated with vibrators and how vibrators were marketed as household beauty appliances and cure-all’s.  You can also learn about the place vibrators hold in our culture today.  And if you’re not completely freaked out by the idea of a vibrator after taking a gander at their galleries, they provide a handy link to their more contemporary vibes.

I think it’s amazing that we live in a culture that allows us to shop for vibrators as vibrators.

Wait a minute, I distinctly remember a sticker on my first vibrator that said “novelty” and I know Sharper Image still sells “personal massagers” that we all know are taken home and put immediately down someone’s pants.  Seriously, where else besides Cosmo (who published a cute article last month) and your favorite reviewer’s website have you seen a real ad for a vibe?  Maybe the vibrator isn’t a “cure-all” (though there are days when I would sincerely beg to differ) but it’s still a pretty darn good time.  And if you think you’re playing high and mighty by grabbing  a personal massager, you don’t have me fooled.

Sex & Lotion

3 Jun

I am obsessed with ALL THINGS COCONUT.  Maybe it’s my imminent move to Honolulu, but I bought three variations of coconut body spray the other day (Hawaiian Coconut, Vanilla Coconut, and Pineapple Coconut).  Nobody needs that much coconut (or body spray, for that matter).

But my FAVORITE coconutty thing is this lotion.  I can go through a tube of this stuff faster than I go through toothpaste.  After the shower, before bed, on my lunch break, before sex, this lotion and I make sweet, sticky love.

Though I would love to write about ways to use coconuts while having sex (cut a coconut in half and bang the halves together to emulate the sound of a horses hooves…), I thought it would be ever so slightly more helpful if I wrote about the DO’s and DON’T’s of using lotion in the sack.

DO give a massage.  There’s nothing more fantastic than a sexy rubdown after a long day of work or just a day apart. The massage itself doesn’t need to be erotic (since you’ll probably be ripping your clothes off after a half hour of touching each other anyway) but if you want to throw some tantra into your bedroom, I have a couple links for you.   Erotic massage for men here and women here. But before you break out the lotion and start rubbing, keep reading!

DON’T use just any lotion for genital massage.  When you purchase massage lotion, you need to check if it’s safe for internal use before you start rubbing it into your lover’s sensitive bits. Even if the lotion claims to be safe for internal use, test a small area of your lover’s skin before dumping the bottle between their legs.  Nobody likes when sex turns into a hospital visit. That said…

DON’T use lotion as lube.  Lotion isn’t made to be used for slicking up your lover’s cock or your favorite sex toy before penetration.  For that, you’re gonna want some lube.  There are lots of people on the internet who will tell you that lotion is perfect for anal sex (hell, I used to do it!) but please, just buy yourself a bottle of lube.  If you’re going for the moisturizing effect on your bum hole, why don’t you try a lube with some added aloe?  This one is a personal favorite.

DO use lotion after shaving your delicate parts.  Razor burn is icky and painful…and icky.  Moisturize before, during, and after the shaving process if you plan on de-hairing your Berry Patch.  Afterwards, walk around naked for a bit.  Wearing tight clothing (like panties) after shaving can irritate your recently exposed skin.  Plus, who doesn’t get a little thrill from being naked?

Finally, DO pay attention to what ingredients go into your lotion and lube.  If you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, don’t put it on or inside you (you’d be amazed at how many situations where that logic applies).  I’m not about to start guzzling lube, but I won’t put anything on my lady bits that I wouldn’t mind getting in my mouth.  Your skin may not have taste buds, but the things you put on your skin are entering your body.

Okay, now go have some fun with lotion!  I’m going to go fantasize about a coconutty cocktail on the beach…

Return to Erotica

27 May

I started writing erotica in the seventh grade.  Fancying myself a writer, I spent hours crafting emo vampire stories on the family computer.  I wrote whatever made me happy.  Writing fiction gives you a feeling of ultimate power.  You control the plot, the characters, the feelings.  The world is basically at your fingertips.

After a few hours of ruling my fictional world, the story would inevitably turn to sex.  Power always goes to my pants.  Anyhow, once things git racey I would shut down the computer and traipse up to my bedroom with pen and paper.  Propped up in bed (door open and lights on, as per the rules) my characters would carry out the darkest sexual fantasies that a thirteen-year-old virgin can come up with.

These clandestine writing sessions always ended in me rubbing myself to orgasm through my jeans.  I didn’t know what a clitoris or an orgasm were at that point (I didn’t learn those things until well after my eighteenth birthday), but I knew that if I wrote about sex for long enough, I could experience something more powerful than anything I had ever felt, even if I was overwhelmed by a vague sense of guilt afterwards.

After each conclusion, the little notebook with my fantasies would be tucked into the back of my closet behind the Barbies.  It seemed like a great hiding place until my mom uncovered it while she was cleaning.  Thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed, I shredded each and every page and flushed them down the toilet.  That remains one of the most prominent memories in my life and that feeling of shame still shapes my life.

Despite being found out by my mom, I tried my hand at erotica a few times after that; Sometimes my parents found it and sometimes they didn’t.  But after a while I realized that no matter how much my writing improved, I’d never be able to publish any of it without shaming my family.  So I stopped.

Years later (a couple of days ago), I sat down to type up a fantasy that had been bouncing around my head.  Keeping this blog must have lowered my inhibitions, because out it came. Juicy page after juicy page poured out until I had to stop and find my vibrator.

I’m not trying to blame my family for a lack of support for my erotica.  I grew up with amazing parents who gave me a very happy childhood.  But now I’ve grown up (who am I kidding?  I am the worst adult ever…) and I’m rediscovering my fantasies.  Sure, I’m still kind of a crummy fiction writer, but I am having a ball!  I’m still trying to decide if I want to post my fiction here on this blog or submit it to literotica, but I’m sure I’ll fill you all in as soon as I decide.

She Bop Trip & New Toys

20 May

Having waited patiently all week for my day off, it finally arrived with sunshine and a light breeze.  I finished the portrait that’s been haunting me and hopped on a bus to She Bop (because what better way for a hard-working barista to spend her day off than buying toys for her sexy bits?).

She Bop was just as fantastic this time around as the last.  They helped me pick out this lube after sampling all the fancy bottles.  It feels like oil (which is what I was initially expecting with lube) and is made from glycine soya, which means you can use it with latex because it’s made from soy bean oil. I will definitely be combining this wonderful massage oil-like purchase with a fantastic new erotica collection tonight….

As for the toy, I bought something excessively glittery.  Le Boyfriend and I have been tossing around the idea of anal sex and I figure I’ve got about a month before I meet up with him on Oahu so I bought this little something to get used to the idea.  I’ve done the dirty from the back door a few times in the past, but it’s never been the most comfortable experience.  At this point, I’m chalking that up to a lack of experience and research.  Updates to follow.

So that’s been my sexy day.  Got a little more of Story of O read on the bus today and I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll have a review from Ms. Sex eLibrarian by the end of next week.  Stay tuned, my sexy readers!

Loving The D Today

18 May

And by loving it, I mean I just ordered my copy of Candy Rain Magazine, a sexy, pornographic publication that highlights the all-mouthwatering boner.  Since I missed out on the first issue I couldn’t tell you exactly what goes on between those glossy covers, but my mouth is watering just writing about it.  In honor of this tasty purchase, here are a few ways to appreciate the D in your life (and if you’re one of the many who just don’t have the need for any penis in your life, skip this post altogether or just read #5):

1. If you’re one of those aforementioned people who would in fact like to poke a penis in their mouth (and you live in PDX) sign up for SheBop’s fellatio workshop in June!  According to their event description, the workshop is also open to people who like to stick their penises in other people’s mouths, which sounds pretty righteous.  Giving head to a dude who doesn’t know what he wants can definitely be fun at first (because you can shock the pants off of him with your mad skills) but gets old when you want to branch out and he’s never heard of the thing you’re trying to put your tongue on.  I am SUPER EXCITED to attend.

2.  Buy a Tenga Egg for a man friend.  They’re essentially little disposable, ribbed, tubesocks that are lubed for masturbation purposes.  I’m still trying to coax one of the men in my life to give it a shot.  If you’re feeling slightly more adventurous (and generous), these look pretty sweet too.

3. LUBE.  That is all.  (He will know what to do with it.)

4. If the D in your life is a D that likes some tattooed lady bits to get off to, buy him a month of Suicide Girls.  What a nice way to unwind.

5.  Last, and pretty much most important of all, do you know what misandry means?  I just learned this word today on the blog Feminisnt and it means “hatred of males”, which is something I come across rarely but surely.  Don’t be hatin’.  Whether you want to poke a penis in your mouth or not, having one doesn’t mean you’re a hateworthy person.  Misandry is definitely as sucky as misogyny so don’t do it.

On that note, have a rockin’ day and take some time to appreciate the sexy bits of life!