Several weeks ago my husband and I went to a weekend marriage retreat in Waikiki (it takes work, yo). Everything was going dandy until Mark Gungor’s “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” was introduced to my life. That man is seriously either an idiot or just horribly irresponsible.
Mark Gungor’s number one key to the best sex life?
Seriously, dude? That’s your NUMBER ONE sex tip? If you want to do the monogamy thing, sweet. I find myself in an exclusive patch right now, in fact, but I wouldn’t say it’s the best thing about my sex life. As if that little gem hadn’t gotten my panties in a big enough bunch already, Gungor started to pour on the condom hate.
“Wearing a condom is like eating an ice cream cone with a sock on your tongue.”
Very nice, dude. Well it’s a good thing you’re still living in a monogamy dominated fairy tale, because that’s just about the only scenario in which your philosophy holds its ground. Keeping in mind that Gungor’s audience is typically a group of married, straight, white, Christian folk, perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by his remarks. But what about the millions of people with herpes? What about those of us who don’t like hormonal birth control? What are we supposed to do to prevent conception? Despite what my biological clock wants me to think, I’m not quite ready to be a mom.
So, doing the horizontal tango with a condom isn’t anybody’s favorite, but condoms are the reason we’re not all a ball of walking STDs with eight bazillion kids. Back in my college days, condoms protected me from unwanted health issues, whether I was in a monogamous relationship or not. Now that I’m married condoms play an important part in my natural family planning routine. Ovulating? Condom time. Bleeding? Condom time. Believe you me, if it felt like eating ice cream with a sock on your tongue, Trojan would have gone out of business two minutes after its conception.
Modern technology combined with the power of the Internet shopping machine means that we can each get the type of condoms that fit our personal style. Big dicks, small dicks, curvy shaft or thin. Sensitive pussy, kinky pussy, and every pussy in between, there are hundreds of condoms to choose from and test driving those bad boys is just another great excuse to have sex.
As I get older, condoms have lost some of their urgency for me. I’m in a stable, loving relationship and an accidental pregnancy would be welcomed with loving arms, but just because you may find yourself in a place where condoms aren’t necessary for your continued existence doesn’t mean it’s okay to espouse the idea that they’re a worthless piece of rubber. Get real.
I leave you with the words of Barney Stinson: