Wagging My Tongue for PSB

4 Sep

Now that the hazy halo of Hawai’i has had a chance to lose it’s sparkle, it’s time to dust off Mistress Pineapple’s sexy-voice and get back to some NSFW blogging.

So far, life in paradise has been relatively tame.  I’ve done the obligatory tour of Dole Plantation, somehow gotten a tan, met a group of amazing people in the Chinatown performing arts scene, and have been holding down a respectable job for the past month.  The weather is unbeatable, the Hawaiian language is getting easier to pronounce, and the way that people give directions based solely on landmarks is beginning to make a bit more sense.  I’d say I’m pretty well adjusted.

But where are the sexy bits? Where is the juice!  Fear not, my dear reader, I’m getting to that.

It all started this morning when my lover and I were trying to make the most of the hour before he needed to jet off to work.  There’s nothing like some conflicting schedules and busy weeks to set the scene for some Saturday afternoon romance.  Despite the fact that I was in a rotten mood for no particular reason, I was not about to let this slip through my fingers.

My lover made the thrilling descent towards my lady bits and began the seductive ritual of tongue in vulva.   But, something was off.  My lover is a passionate and skilled man, but the fact of the matter is, cunnilingus is more of a special for us, than a regular menu item.  Teaching your partner how to tend to your lady bits with his or her mouth is a long and arduous process, especially when you’re in a bad mood.

First off, nobody likes to be told that they’re doing something wrong while they’re in the sexy zone (unless you’re doing some BDSM play, in which case carry on). Alas, it can’t be helped.  Everybody’s got some complicated machinery down there and it takes a little lesson planning to get things right. Just because I enjoy giving fellatio and I have a number of tools in my kit doesn’t mean that I can skip the trial and error phase with a new partner to figure out what they like.

As our spirits were dropping, my lover made an observation that I later found echoed in my sex bible, The Guide To Getting It On.  Sex (and oral sex in particular) is a very mental act and if you’re pushing the wrong kinds of buttons, nothing is going to be getting off.  In other words, leaving the mental “sexy zone” to instruct can be frustrating and you both need to be patient.

So, what have I learned today?  Well, don’t attempt to instruct your partner in advanced sexual acts when you’re incredibly grumpy. Oh, and taking a hiatus from Pineapple Sex Bomb results in an excessively long post upon my return. Happy Sexing!




Sexy Bunnies

10 Jul

Miss February

There’s nothing quite like Powell’s (the epic city block of new & used books in Portland) but with all the rain and potential beach-time in Hawaii, I’ve had to quest for island bookstores for some cheap, ratty paperbacks to brave the elements.  Of the places the boyfriend and I have visited so far, Rainbow Books & Records is the only one that has something Powell’s lacks: le porn.

Tucked away in the back of Rainbow (not a gay bookstore, alas) is a fairly sizable wall of porn stocked with used magazines, VHS tapes, and DVDs.  The VHS tapes were a tad dusty but the DVD section was pretty well stocked with your typical cheesy porno selection.  But the magazines…were fabulous. Most of them were totally old-school and damn cute. If it weren’t mildly creepy buying the equivalent to a used, glossy tubesock, I would have walked out with an armload.

I’ve never been one for getting my porn in hard copy, but last week while zoning out to a few of my friends killing zombies on their xbox, I grabbed a Playboy mag from their coffee table and started flipping through (if I’m gonna be bored, I might as well be bored and horny).  If you’ve never tried to read a Playboy I’ll save you the disappointment right now: there are maybe ten pages of porn.  Maybe.  The rest is skeezy ads and side-(fake)boob.  But! There was a saving grace: the old-school playboy bunnies in the middle.

Furry, curvy, and real, the bunnies from the fifties and sixties were adorable.  Their backdrops and settings were less trucks and American flags and more libraries and living rooms and their makeup was meant to look theatrically sultry, not streetwalker slutty.  What’s funny to me is that I don’t feel like “natural” women were more mainstream then than they are now.  Isn’t it funny to think that though we’ve made huge steps towards gender equality, the women appearing in porn now are more unrealistic than the one’s we see back in the 50s?  Not that I’d say these ladies are at all average, and they’re fake in their own ways, but their bodies seem a whole lot more attainable to lil’ ol’ me.

Anywho, off the soapbox and onto le sexy bits.  If you’d like to gander at some sexy ladies, I regret to inform you that I couldn’t find the segment in Playboy online that I looked at last week, but I did come across this album, which is perhaps a tad hotter.  Enjoy!

Sex On Le Beach

5 Jul

Day Three on Oahu and I finally squeezed into my bikini and convinced the boyfriend to chauffeur me up to Hale’iwa for a dip.  Our favorite beach (okay, so I’ve only been there once) was almost empty and the smell of a few bonfire barbeques and the salty sea had my libido rearin’ to go.  Before you get your pants off, there was no sex on the beach.  Not the cocktail, and not the sex.

I’m not disappointed.  In fact, the boyfriend and I have a rule against sex on the beach; I’m not a big fan of crabs and he’s not a big fan of exfoliating his man bits.  I’m sure we’ll end doing it at least once if we stay in Hawai’i for the intended two years, but I’m just not thrilled about it. Sure, it’s romantic, makes for a great sexy movie scene, and it’s pretty much a requirement if you go on a tropical honeymoon, but meh.

Right about now you’re probably thinking this is the most boring sex blogger I’ve ever come across,  but! I am not alone (seriously, click that link.  It’s hilarious).  If you’re still absolutely convinced that sex on the beach is the most totally romantic thing you could possibly accomplish in your sexy life, I have waded through the seemingly endless sea of pornography and cocktail recipes to provide you with an informative how-to link on doing the dirty in the sand.

And  now for some sexy beach action from the movie rendition of From Here to Eternity:

She Bop’s Fabulous Full-Body Fellatio Workshop

24 Jun

No matter how good you are at going down and giving head, there’s always something new to learn.  BJs are admittedly one of my favorite sex acts and I’ve been earning my oral rep for the last six years.  Nevertheless, I can safely say that She Bop’s workshop, led by the spunky M. Makael Newby, was an amazing learning experience.  I don’t think a single person walked out of there without learning a thing or two about the art of the friendly trouser kiss.

I don’t want to spoil the workshop for those of you who couldn’t make it, so I won’t give you a blow by blow of what went down.  The candid unexpectedness of the whole event made the low-key vibe function;  there just wasn’t time to get uncomfortable or worry about what the girl or guy next to you was thinking.  Yes, there were fingers in mouths and even a few dildos (which  may or may not have been attached to a strap-on harness).  It was a damn fine time.

Whether you’re renowned for your face-numbing suction skills or you’ve only touched your partner’s dangley bits in the dark, you won’t be bored or left behind by this workshop.  I strongly encourage everyone to check out M. Makael Newby’s website and attend at least one of her workshops because she’s a blast.  And on top of it all, she wrote a choose your own adventure book of erotica.  Seriously, my hero.

What Do You Know About Vasectomies?

22 Jun

While shooting the breeze at work yesterday, vasectomies naturally came up.  Okay, sex came up (of course), and then methods of birth control, AND THEN vasectomies.  Whatever.  Anyhow, it turns out that my coworkers and I have absolutely no idea what happens once that tube is tied (or cut or whatever). Being the researching hairpin that I am, I’ve compiled a set of tidbits about this procedure for your viewing pleasure.  As always, this shouldn’t replace extensive research and communication with a doctor for those of you considering this procedure.

What is a vasectomy?  Basically, it’s a procedure where the tube that carries sperm from the testicles to the penis is cut and sealed so that sperm can’t reach the ejaculate.  (Sorry for all the gross words in that sentence.  Tube? I mean really.)

Does anything come out when he comes if there’s no sperm?  Yup.  Only a small part of the semen is actually sperm to begin with.  The rest of that goo is actually produced by the seminal vesicle and the prostate gland.

Will my man-friend’s balls explode because the sperm can’t get out?  Nope. The testicles will actually just reabsorb the sperm they produce.

How soon can we start bangin’ without protection?  Depends on the dude, actually.  It takes a while for the sperm on the other side of the cut to make it’s way out.  Count on at least a couple of months and even then you need to have his cum tested to make sure it’s free of any baby-making juice before you throw out those condoms.

Is it reversible? For all intents and purposes, no.  There is an incredibly expensive surgery (you’re looking at around $10,000 out of pocket) to reverse the procedure, but even if it works there’s not a great chance of getting pregnant afterwards and it may only last for a couple of years.  The two ends of the cut tube VERY rarely grow back together of their own accord once they’ve been sealed.  What occasionally does happen early out is that a particularly athletic sperm will escape one end of the tube and make it’s way to the other, hence why it is important to get your partner’s semen tested for sperm after a couple of months.

Will he still want to bang me? I don’t know.  Infertility affects everyone differently, psychologically and emotionally.  I didn’t immediately come across anything that suggested a loss of sex drive would be imminent after the vasectomy.  It looks like you’ll have to wait at least a week or two before he’ll be ready to bone you, though.

What are the alternatives? Condoms! Okay, just kidding. There are actually a few alternative procedures out there, but from what I can glean they’re still in the clinical trial phase.  The Intra Vas Device (IVD) seems to be farthest along.  This procedure involves the insertion of a device that would block the flow of sperm, removing the necessity of cutting the tubes.  It could also make reversal more possible.  Check out this website for a great overview.  I included this AMAZING, reversible option in a previous post.  It’s also still in the clinical trial phase so I’m trying not to get too excited (but it’s awesome).

There are a lot of resources out there for dudes considering a vasectomy.  I found this one easy to navigate and understand, but a little googling can point you in your own direction.  Good luck with whichever contraceptive path you choose and always remember to watch out for those pesky STIs.

Something to add? Email me at pineapplesexbomb@gmail.com.

Manly Sex Party? Mine’s Bigger.

21 Jun

While trying desperately to catch up on my twitter, I came across an article about Fleshlights.  I’ll read just about anything about sex toys, so of course I devoured it, but this part caught my eye:

“An all-heterosexual male gathering around sex toys?” Shubin considers. “Probably not ever going to happen.”

Aw, but why not?  I don’t have much insight into the male psyche, regardless of sexual orientation, but the first explanation that comes to mind is competition.  As a proponent of discussions about sex for the sake of sexy discussions, I’ve seen competition play a huge part in conversations about sex.  There are always going to be people who want to one-up every sex act their friends try out.

Really, I just want everyone to be having good sex.  Great sex.  A-mazing, wake-your-neighbors, break-the-furniture, scare-the-pets, mind-blowing sex.  If I think I’ve got something that will spice up your sex life, I’m gonna share it with you, but it’s not because I’m trying to hint that you’re having crummy sex to begin with.  Sex can always be better!

I used to know a girl who would always tell me that sex with her partner was the best there could ever possibly be for anyone.  Cool beans for her, but it stopped her from pushing herself sexually.  Any new technique I mentioned was met with a smug grin and her mantra: “I’m already having great sex”.

Maybe I’m missing the point. I mean, god forbid that anyone suspect you of being homosexual because you wank into a tube shaped like a vagina.  Everyone knows that women who get together and buy dildos are lesbians (insert massive eye roll here).  Though I suppose I can’t imagine any of my male friends getting together and having a sex toy party, it certainly would be interesting.

Anyway, if you’re not ready to invite your man-friends over for a sexy toy party, you might log on to one of the many forums for masturbation discussions (you can do it under a pseudonym!). Fleshlight even has one of their own (this thread kind of relates to this post, actually). Don’t feel left out, ladies.  There’s one for you too…oh wait, there are no posts on that forum.  Well, what did you expect from a website selling masturbation toys for men?

Contraception Babble

21 Jun

I’ve been whining about the lack of non-hormonal birth control methods since I turned 18 and my mom took me to my first annual pelvic exam.  Barf inducing cramps and a voracious libido made me a prime candidate for the pill, but my mom wisely didn’t allow me to fill that prescription.  I later found out how much higher my risk of stroke would be if I were taking high doses of estrogen (the pill increases everyone’s risk for stroke, but if you smoke or have migraines with aura, your risk doubles).

Five years later, I’m a proud diaphragm user.  It’s not particularly hip or hands-off, but if it was good enough for Carrie Bradshaw and Betty Dodson, it was good enough for me.  The biggest problem with the diaphragm is that it needs to be used in conjunction with spermicide.  Contrary to what was widely believed in the 80’s, this slimy, sperm killing gel DOES NOT protect against STDs.  In fact, the main ingredient of spermicide, nonoxynol-9, has been shown to cause sores and strip the vaginal lining, increasing the risk of contracting certain STDs. I’m still wading through a few studies about diaphragm use without spermicide, but I don’t have enough to share with you all yet.

So, what about the IUD?  Well, I don’t have one yet partly because I can be a chicken shit and it’s supposed to hurt, but also because the hormonal method (Mirena) is, well, a hormonal method, and the copper IUD (ParaGard) could potentially increase my already mind-numbing cramping during menstrual bleeding (I refer you to the “chicken shit” comment).  The IUD really hasn’t been popular in the U.S. since the infamous “Dalkon Shield”, a dangerously poor design that resulted in a number of fatalities back when the technology for this form of contraception was much  more primitive than it is today.  I, for one, am beginning to think we need to move on from all that and start looking at the IUD as a viable method again. This dense, but fabulous article agrees.

Oh yeah, I haven’t talked about hormonal methods.  I don’t really want to, so you should just go read In Our Control.  Okay, okay, in short the pill just isn’t as good for you as everyone wants to tell you, but it’s a lot more profitable to sell you a pack of pills every month than it is to explore alternative methods of contraception.  That may sound a tad bitter.  Oh well.

Now for the cool stuff.  CONTRACEPTION FOR BOYS! YEEEEES I’m serious.  No, I’m not talking about condoms.  Check. This. Out.  Okay so it’s not approved yet, but it’s an awesome idea.  For more on The Parsemus Foundation, go to their website and poke around.  They are truly fabulous.

And for those of us who like to kick it old school, a condom I will probably never be able to afford.